Benjamin and I are expecting our first child. Just typing that makes me smile. Before I get into the whole how we found out and our reactions, I wanted to start this post a little differently and to do so I have to go back almost 3 years.
2010: We moved to Colorado at the end of July and felt we were settled and ready to start a family. Up till now we did not quite feel ready for that step - living in Louisville, with Ben in school and me working full-time, it didn't seem like the "right time" for us. But after moving to Colorado and with Ben working full-time and me not really having to work at all, the timing seemed right, perfect if you will.
I am not lying when I say I did not expect to get pregnant that first month, I was a little disappointed that I wasn't, but knew these things took time. 3 months later I could begin to feel my disappointment increase with each passing month. Move ahead to 6 months, 9 months and then a year with nothing. We were both concerned but thought a quick trip to the doctors would fix everything.
Then we began what has been the year that I've gone through. We had test after test (some horribly painful) and always got the same result: "Great news! There is nothing wrong!" While that was great news it was also so frustrating. If there was nothing wrong, why were we not yet pregnant?
I tried a medication called Clomid for several months and while we didn't get pregnant, I did grow another head and become the most unreasonable, sad, happy, angry, sullen (you fill in the emotional blank) person that I have ever come across. It was awful.
During that year we grieved every month that went by and I felt myself letting my grief turn to despair and bitterness at times. I would become so upset and angry with God, trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, or what I was not doing right. Did I need to spend more time in prayer? Read my Bible more? The list goes on. I know these things do not determine the will of God (I've told my youth group girls this more than once) but when you are in that moment, you feel like you will do anything to get the outcome you desire.
In April, Ben went to a conference by himself in Louisville and I stayed home. That week God really began to work on me. It started with the sermon on Sunday and continued through the rest of the week. God, in His great Mercy, dealt so gently with me in my beaten down state and yet was firm in what He revealed to me through His Word. I had replaced my desire for God with a desire for a child. Now don't get me wrong, desiring a child is not a wrong or ungodly desire, but when I allowed it to consume me and drive my every thought and action, it was. I had turned something very special and God-given into something that I longed for more than anything else.
It was a rough transition, and I would be lying if when the next month rolled around I didn't think "Okay God, I've learned my lesson, please give me what I want!". It did however, become easier to deal with. Not easier in that it didn't hurt as much, but easier in that I was resting in my Savior and trusting in Him and His will for my life.
A couple of months after this Benjamin and I decided that I would stop taking the "crazy pills" and we would take the summer to try to figure out what our next steps would be and make some big decisions.
The summer was going great. We were enjoying events with the youth group, our families and doing research on the side of possible medical options and adoption to pursue come the fall. Ben and I have had a heart for adoption for sometime and reading Adopted for Life was a great book for us to read. I also attended a women's conference in Florida and sat in on a session titled "The Snare to Compare" and it really convicted me. We also had a guest speaker (Kevin DeYoung) come to our church in August and preach out of Matthew 20 which proved to be very comforting as well. We were doing okay. Still sad each month but not allowing our grief to turn to bitterness, but to hope.
Then came my 30th birthday. It was rough. I felt I had been doing so well these past 6 months or so and then BAM! I am 30 with not a baby in sight. We had traveled to Las Vegas to spend time with my sister and her family and that was wonderful. It helped to be with family during a time when my grief and anger reared it's ugly head.
Then about a week after we got home, we found out we were pregnant! It was quite a shock. We were already looking to the next couple of months and following through with some of the decisions we had made. We were pleased, delighted and scared. It now feels like there is another idol that can take hold in my life. Fear. Fear of something happening to our baby, fear of not being a great mom, just fear of the unknown. That's part of the reason I'm writing this. To remind myself of how graciously God has dealt with me in the past, and how no matter what, He will not give me more than I can handle.
I'll write again soon with all the fun stories and photos of our discovery, but for now I wanted to share our story with you. Thank you for those who knew of our trial and prayed for us and to those who may not have know the details but prayed for us anyway :)
