And so it begins...

I promised to write the fun details of how we found out we were pregnant and how I told Ben. So here it goes :)

We took a trip to visit my sister and her family in Las Vegas for my 30th birthday during the second week of August and returned home that Friday evening. I was feeling a little different after we got back and I took a test on Tuesday but it came back negative. I was disappointed, but by this time we were used to getting a negative result. Later in the week, on Thursday, I was still not feeling great. I thought I was coming down with something but wasn't sure so I took another test while Ben was at work. I was standing at the counter in the bathroom waiting for the result, it was taking longer than normal but I still didn't think anything of it. Finally, after a couple of minutes, I looked down and saw this:

I almost feel over. I started to cry and laugh and had a whole slew of emotions wash over me (one of which was disbelief). I didn't have any tests left so I decided that I needed to run to Wal-mart and get a couple of more before I was sure. All the way to Wal-mart I chugged water and tried to keep from completely breaking down. After rushing home and pulling into the driveway I realized that I had left the garage door open and there was a stray cat making himself at home in our garage. After I ran around the garage trying to get the dumb thing out, I then realized I had not only left the garage door open but I had also left the door from the garage to the house unlocked. Do you think I had something else on my mind when I left? :)

After taking the other two tests and seeing positive results on all three I realized it was true! About five minutes after I came to that realization my friend Kate called to ask me a question. Using all the control within me I kept my voice normal, answered her question, and hung up without mentioning anything.

I then began to think about how I wanted to tell Ben our shocking news. I first sent him a text asking him if he could come home early. He knew I hadn't been feeling well but told me he couldn't. I then began to think through how to tell him. I didn't trust myself to drive anywhere to buy something special so I had to work with what I had. This is what I came up with:

As soon as Benjamin came home I told him I had bought him something that day. He seemed a little annoyed as he thought I had spent money on him. When he came inside I told him I wanted to show him my new chalkboard first. I flipped it over to show him the message. He asked me if I was serious and dropped his bag in shock. We laughed and celebrated in the kitchen and then as I sat on the couch he paced around the house saying "I can't believe it" over and over again. We decided to go ahead and call our families that day to tell them. We just couldn't keep it a secret! After dinner that night we went out to get milkshakes to celebrate.

A few weeks later we had our first doctor's appointment (at 8 weeks) and got to see our little Critter for the first time and listen to the heartbeat. It was so amazing!

That next week we began to tell our friends and church family the exciting news. We then took this photo and posted it on Facebook to make it "official" :)

We've since gone in for our second appointment at 15 weeks and everything checked out okay. We go back in a couple of weeks and hopefully find out the gender! We are so excited and can't wait!

Thanks again for all of your kind words, congratulations, and prayers. 

Turning Grief towards Hope: A Two Year Journey

+ Yes. (and with that our lives are forever changed)

Benjamin and I are expecting our first child. Just typing that makes me smile. Before I get into the whole how we found out and our reactions, I wanted to start this post a little differently and to do so I have to go back almost 3 years.

2010: We moved to Colorado at the end of July and felt we were settled and ready to start a family. Up till now we did not quite feel ready for that step - living in Louisville, with Ben in school and me working full-time, it didn't seem like the "right time" for us. But after moving to Colorado and with Ben working full-time and me not really having to work at all, the timing seemed right, perfect if you will.

I am not lying when I say I did not expect to get pregnant that first month, I was a little disappointed that I wasn't, but knew these things took time. 3 months later I could begin to feel my disappointment increase with each passing month. Move ahead to 6 months, 9 months and then a year with nothing. We were both concerned but thought a quick trip to the doctors would fix everything.

Then we began what has been the year that I've gone through. We had test after test (some horribly painful) and always got the same result: "Great news! There is nothing wrong!" While that was great news it was also so frustrating. If there was nothing wrong, why were we not yet pregnant?

I tried a medication called Clomid for several months and while we didn't get pregnant, I did grow another head and become the most unreasonable, sad, happy, angry, sullen (you fill in the emotional blank) person that I have ever come across. It was awful.

During that year we grieved every month that went by and I felt myself letting my grief turn to despair and bitterness at times. I would become so upset and angry with God, trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, or what I was not doing right. Did I need to spend more time in prayer? Read my Bible more? The list goes on. I know these things do not determine the will of God (I've told my youth group girls this more than once) but when you are in that moment, you feel like you will do anything to get the outcome you desire.

In April, Ben went to a conference by himself in Louisville and I stayed home. That week God really began to work on me. It started with the sermon on Sunday and continued through the rest of the week. God, in His great Mercy, dealt so gently with me in my beaten down state and yet was firm in what He revealed to me through His Word. I had replaced my desire for God with a desire for a child. Now don't get me wrong, desiring a child is not a wrong or ungodly desire, but when I allowed it to consume me and drive my every thought and action, it was. I had turned something very special and God-given into something that I longed for more than anything else.

It was a rough transition, and I would be lying if when the next month rolled around I didn't think "Okay God, I've learned my lesson, please give me what I want!". It did however, become easier to deal with.  Not easier in that it didn't hurt as much, but easier in that I was resting in my Savior and trusting in Him and His will for my life.

A couple of months after this Benjamin and I decided that I would stop taking the "crazy pills" and we would take the summer to try to figure out what our next steps would be and make some big decisions.

The summer was going great. We were enjoying events with the youth group, our families and doing research on the side of possible medical options and adoption to pursue come the fall. Ben and I have had a heart for adoption for sometime and reading Adopted for Life was a great book for us to read. I also attended a women's conference in Florida and sat in on a session titled "The Snare to Compare" and it really convicted me. We also had a guest speaker (Kevin DeYoung) come to our church in August and preach out of Matthew 20 which proved to be very comforting as well. We were doing okay. Still sad each month but not allowing our grief to turn to bitterness, but to hope.

Then came my 30th birthday. It was rough. I felt I had been doing so well these past 6 months or so and then BAM! I am 30 with not a baby in sight. We had traveled to Las Vegas to spend time with my sister and her family and that was wonderful. It helped to be with family during a time when my grief and anger reared it's ugly head.

Then about a week after we got home, we found out we were pregnant! It was quite a shock. We were already looking to the next couple of months and following through with some of the decisions we had made. We were pleased, delighted and scared. It now feels like there is another idol that can take hold in my life. Fear. Fear of something happening to our baby, fear of not being a great mom, just fear of the unknown. That's part of the reason I'm writing this. To remind myself of how graciously God has dealt with me in the past, and how no matter what, He will not give me more than I can handle.

I'll write again soon with all the fun stories and photos of our discovery, but for now I wanted to share our story with you. Thank you for those who knew of our trial and prayed for us and to those who may not have know the details but prayed for us anyway :)