Today is a tidal wave day..,
Last May we found out we were expecting. It was a huge surprise and we were SO excited. We found out while our dear friends were visiting from Texas. They were actually the first people we told because we were so shocked that we couldn't keep it a secret.
We decided to wait to tell our families because I was going to see my sisters and their families along with my parents in a couple of weeks and I wanted to tell them in person. Amelia and I were headed on a whirlwind trip to Phoenix and Las Vegas while Benjamin led the youth group on a missions trip to New Tribes Missions in Missouri.
Telling my sisters and parents in person was so fun. They were also shocked but very happy. That same night I got very ill. I thought it was just a horrible case of morning sickness, the worst I'd ever had. The next day I drove with my other sister back to Las Vegas and had plans to fly back home a couple days before Ben would get back from his missions trip. On Thursday we knew something wasn't right with the baby and on Saturday I was told I had miscarried.
The feelings of sadness and loss were overwhelming along with the heartache of not being able to be with Benjamin while we were hearing awful this news. My heart was breaking into so many pieces for so many reasons. Losing our baby. Knowing that I had Amelia and my sister with me but not Ben. I was worried for Ben and hating he was going thru all these emotions without me there. Since then I've learned that that staff at New Tribes embraced him and did all they could to provide love and comfort. The questions of "why did this happen?" "Did I do something wrong?" swirled around. I ended up rescheduling my flight so I would come home the day after Ben got home.
Ben picked us up from the airport and we drove home. I found out that a sweet friend had gone out and bought us some groceries and stocked our fridge for us so we didn't have to worry about any of that right away. That was such a blessing and meant so much to us. The next days and weeks were filled with waves of sadness and tears. Those waves have become spaced further apart but still hit every once in awhile.
Below are two quotes that I've read again and again that had brought me some comfort and peace.
"I remember everything, but as time passes, the rawness recedes. The scar tissue begins to protect the heart. The blade of pain is duller, as time passes. If you’re still in the screaming freshness of it, please do know that it will not always feel like this. You’ll always feel it, but more like a bruise, less like an incision. You will carry every tear with you, but you won’t fall on your knees in confusion and fury. Not as often, "
"The other thing I know: A broken heart is lighter when we carry it together. Your loss doesn’t need to be a secret. Your heartbreak doesn’t need to be carried alone. If you found yourself thinking of a friend today, thinking of their loss, please do speak that love and concern for them. Please reach out if you need to talk, to tell the story one more time. Womenlove to tell birth stories. But I’ve found along the way that we really need to tell these stories of loss, too. We need to hold them out as evidence of what broke our hearts and broke our bodies–this is what happened to me, to us...We weren’t made to carry these stories alone. Ask. Tell. Hold out your hands and make sacred space for the grief and the mess."
And here is a link to the full post on Shauna Niequist's blog.
I knew today, my due date, would be hard and I think that's why I wanted to write about our baby and our experience. I feel that some do go through these times alone or with only a few aware of what has happened but I want you to know that while it may seem like the loneliest time, God is there and has amazing ways of showing His love for you. Be it in strangers consoling a loved one when you can't be there to do so, a friend stocking your fridge with groceries or having a bright, sunny day on a day that was covered in sadness and tears so we were able to go to the zoo with our daughter and enjoy our little family.
God is good....all the time.
